My Weakest Days

28 weeks

I just spent about an hour rambling on for this post; then I read over what I had written, decided it sounded too much like an essay, and deleted the entire thing.

Let's try that again, but much, much shorter this time.

In summary: Pregnancy has turned me into a bit of a beast. I, who always laughed at my roommates when they claimed PMS, am now experiencing an extreme unbalance of emotion. I am just so angry. I call myself The Dragon. You never know when I'm going to spew fire, and anyone within one hundred yards is in danger of being scorched. I try really hard to control it, but honestly, most days I fail. I've gone into hermit-mode, leaving my apartment only when I absolutely have to in an attempt to protect people from Wrath 'o Beka.

This is the part where I have to give props to my husband (and incidentally, his birthday is today). Bless his soul. He's become the only person whose presence I can endure without suppressing a scowl. Even so, he gets more than his fair share of my impatience, and I have to say that he endures it very well. I very sincerely apologize to him probably ten times a day.


I always knew that I married a good man, but pregnancy has helped me to see him even clearer. He's never complained about me, even though I wake him up several times each night as I flop around trying to find a comfortable position; even though he comes home on most days to a messy apartment and me without any ideas for dinner; even though I am easily upset and offended and blame him for way too much; even though he often finds me in tears with no idea of why I'm so sad; even though he's had to clean up my vomit and other unmentionables; and even though the last several months have left me shocked and frightened and without any semblance of sanity or confidence. He goes to work every day so I can stay home, returns home in the evening and tells me that I'm beautiful, helps out around the house doing things that feel so impossible to me right now, and holds me at night until I'm comfortable and calm enough to go to sleep.

It is a wonderful, awesome gift to have someone who loves me even though he's seen the absolute ugliest, darkest side of my soul. Thank you, thank you, thank you God for giving me Jacob.

Loved Ones That Passed On Before

People make a lot of assumptions about the youngest member of a family. When people find out I'm the youngest, they automatically say things like, "Oh, you're the spoiled one," or "You'll always be the baby," or something like that. That usually doesn't bother me. It's probably true. But it seems ironic to me, in a way, that people seem to think being the youngest is all sugar-coated and easy, when there is one glaring disadvantage: the lack of opportunity to know older members of the family.

I think about this quite often, especially in relation to my grandparents. I never had the opportunity of having a real relationship with any of my grandparents before they passed away. I always had some inkling that I was missing out on something, like when members of my family would share stories and memories, or when friends would express excitement at an upcoming visit from grandparents. Once, when I was an young teenager, I made a comment to my best friend about how teddy bears are the best things to have when you need comfort; she thought for a minute before responding, "Except grandmothers." I still feel sad when I think about that. It was a huge, sudden realization to me that I was missing something.

My paternal grandmother's birthday was March 17th. She passed away when I was eight years old. At that point in my life, I had lived overseas for five years (almost six). I have very few memories of her. In fact, I have exactly three. One of those memories is her making a lemon meringue pie for a family get-together. I don't actually know if that's something that she did often, but ever since then I've thought of my grandmother every time I've seen a lemon meringue pie.

So for her birthday this year, I decided I would learn how to make one.

Pie crust prior to baking

Just about to go into the oven

Just coming out of the oven...

After letting pie chill in the fridge. Doesn't look too good, huh? Especially for how good it looked before. I obviously did something wrong. Sorry Grandma.

Well, it looked a little funky, BUT I assure you that it was delicious. And that's what matters, right?

On My Mind

A few weeks ago I was speaking with an acquaintance who was pregnant with her fifth child. We were discussing how each of her pregnancies have been so different from each other. She said, "For example, during this pregnancy I've had this baby on my mind constantly. I never forget that I'm pregnant. That's never happened to me before." I just kind-of stared at her blankly. I can't comprehend being able to think about anything else. Ever since I found out I was pregnant, it seems like this has been the only thing I can take in.

That's my way of saying I'm sorry. I know there have been a lot of pregnancy blog posts lately. Maybe someday I'll write about something else, but I kind-of doubt it. I just have a lot of baby on my mind.

24 weeks (two weeks ago)

Here's what's on my mind this week:

1. I always assumed that pregnant women's tummies grew gradually, but I have definitely found the opposite to be true for me. It seems like I go for a few days, or even weeks, at about the same size, and then one day I wake up and I'm suddenly enormous. And then that lasts for a few days, until there's another huge growth spurt. People tell me that the baby's position changes the appearance of the tummy a lot, but it still surprises me every time it happens.

2. I read an article recently about devices that expecting parents buy to stimulate the baby in the womb. One of the interviewed couples talked about this $185 machine they bought that they put on the mother's tummy every day during pregnancy to stimulate the brain. They absolutely swore by it because the infant, now around one year of age, has reached every developmental milestone before the other children in her daycare. I think that is so sad. That poor child couldn't even grow in the womb before being bombarded with parental expectations to be better than all the other kids. I'm surprised and baffled by some of the things parents set priorities on. Children deserve to be loved and valued whether they're the smartest, prettiest, most popular, most talented kid in their group or not. If I raise a child that's happy, finds fulfillment, and turns into a good citizen, I think I'll be pretty satisfied with my work as a parent. (Maybe I'm letting myself off easy...)

3. I finally cut myself off from all pregnancy-related websites a few days ago because I was getting sucked into them so easily, and I suddenly realized that I always felt worse after reading them. The final straw was an article I read about healthy weight gain during pregnancy. The article itself was fine, but I got so upset reading the comments that women were making. It seemed like everyone was complaining about how much weight they were gaining and how they didn't want to be fat and blah blah blah. People, seriously? You made the decision to get pregnant without realizing that you were going to gain weight? Pregnant women gain weight. It's what they do. That should be obvious. It's like parents who complain that they don't get sleep when they have a newborn. How can that possibly be a surprise to you? That never crossed your mind before your baby was born? I don't understand that. People are stupid. It bothers me.

4. We had to get an additional ultrasound this week because some measurements were missed at the 20 week appointment. For the first time in this pregnancy, baby was so big that he/she couldn't fit on the screen all at once. The ultrasound tech printed about a million pictures off for us, but they're all of individual body parts, and I can't figure out what most of them are. It made things suddenly very, very real to me. This baby is getting big, and June seems to be approaching very quickly. I have a lot to do. But at the same time, I think this last week was the best I've felt so far in this entire pregnancy - not physically, but just feeling confident about my ability to do this. It was very liberating. Let's hope the good vibes keep on coming.

Yay, one body part I can identify! Probably the cutest foot I've ever seen.