Falling

"Falling". As in, falling behind. Or, as in "The Fall weather is here, and boy are we feeling it." But really, I am falling behind. And here's my confession: I am way too tired to actually type anything tonight. I have a lot to talk about, but it will just have to wait. Here are some pictures to tide you over.

I said to Abigail, "Time to change your diaper!" Next thing I knew, she had used her rocking horse to barricade herself into a corner. Here she is on her way out, trying to outrun me!

Allergy-free! First taste of ice cream (and chocolate!)

On a quest to destroy the One Clothespin to Rule Them All

She is such a girl. She likes for me to hand her several outfits on hangers for her to carry around the apartment.

Typical image of Abigail: wearing Dad's hat and watch, diaper bag slung over her elbow like a purse.

And her obsession with hats continues...heaven forbid we ever buy actual accessories for this girl...

The quandaries of letting a toddler dress choose her clothing: a different shoe on each foot. 

Lately she's been insisting on having a blanket in her crib with her - not to cover her, but for her to lie on top of.

Halloween 2014 - our little fox

'Tis A Gift

Abby's first year:

(Word on that street is that this video isn't working on phones, tablets, or devices. It will have to be watched from a computer. Sorry!)

There Goes My Baby

Well folks, we made it. Miss Abigail is one year old. And isn't she adorable?

This is the end of the monthly updates. I should probably say something really clever, but I'm a little too overwhelmed and emotional for clever today. What I'll say instead is that we're very blessed. This last year was a whirlwind. I can't believe how quickly it whizzed by, and I can't believe how much my life has changed. Caring for a baby is hard work! It's exhausting! Everybody says that, but you can't really understand it until it happens. It changes you. And I'm grateful for that because I needed to be changed. I needed a little Abigail in my life, and I didn't even know it.

Practicing for her wedding cake

Trying on her birthday hat

I will never tire of how she sleeps with her bum in the air

Teaching her young!

Happy Birthday, Abigail!

Fifteen minutes after the party ended

"Nothing will stop me from exploring, nothing! Not even a fancy dress!"

She sure is a sweet little thing. Wild, curious, strong-willed, opinionated, and exhausting, but oh so sweet. And cute. And funny. And smart. And I'm her mama. That's the craziest part of all.

And I'm so grateful.

12 months old

I Am a Mother

Little Abigail just moments after birth

Tonight is the evening before my sweet little baby becomes a one-year-old. I'm all in a dither, trying to prepare for her birthday party and preparing our home for company - but really, I am thinking back on this last year and how much has changed. Tomorrow is all about little Abigail; tonight I'm taking a moment for me.

One year ago today, Jacob and I took a walk after dinner. I was three days away from my due date and anxious for labor to start. I never felt any contractions (even fake ones) except while walking, so we got in the habit of taking long walks after dinner.

We came home and worked on finishing the nursery decorations. I was tired and frustrated and blew up at Jacob over some minor detail (I can't remember what it was - maybe the placement of a pinwheel). He tried to fix it but I was grumpy and wouldn't tell him what needed to be done. He eventually decided to go to bed. I was restless and stayed up for a long time. I thought to myself, "That was a little uncharacteristic of me. Why am I so upset? I wonder if I'll go into labor tonight."

I finally went to bed but couldn't sleep. I didn't think anything of it since the discomfort of pregnancy had made sleep difficult for months. But then, around 1:30 a.m., my water broke.

I'm not one to give a lot of birthing details. I'm pretty squeamish when it comes to childbirth, and I still think back with horror on that experience (you'll notice it took me a year to share this much!) Suffice it to say that it was long and agonizing. But then at the end of it there was a baby in my arms! And it's probably funny to say this, but I was really surprised. All those months of nausea, the growing tummy, the ultrasound images, the kicking and squirming in my abdomen, followed by those thirteen excruciating hours of labor, and never did it actually sink in that I was a mother until I saw my daughter. I was in total awe. I couldn't believe how beautiful she was.

That surprise was the first of many that I have experienced over the last year. It seems like I'm in a state of constant surprise these days, whether it's over a new ability that she's mastered, or how big she's grown, or how much she seems to like me (I may never get over that). But one of the biggest surprises for me is that I'm good at being Abby's mother. I never expected that.

I grew up the youngest of six children, so I never got the exposure to babies that my siblings did - and really, I never even liked babies. Maybe my awkwardness rubbed off because they sure didn't seem to like me, either. Even as I got older and started babysitting, I was really uncomfortable. I remember my mom rescuing me from numerous baby fiascos. Girls all around me ogled over children, and I couldn't shake the feeling that all other females had been born with some sort of nurturing gift that I just didn't have. Eventually I made up my mind to not have any kids of my own. Mothering just wasn't for me.

I was excited when I found out that I was pregnant, but also I was so, so sad. I felt so bad for this little child who was stuck with me for a mother. I just could not believe that I would do a decent job. It was a difficult nine months (well...eight. I was five weeks along when I found out). But after she was born and I finally saw her, I knew I would do anything for her.

Now I look back on the last year, and see just how much I've done for her! I held her during many sleepless (literally) nights. I have wiped so many dirty bums and changed so many stinky diapers. I have given up just about every hobby and non-baby-related activity. I have held my temper intact and responded gently when I wanted to scream and run away.

I think those are fairly typical experiences for most parents. But I have also spent hours cuddling and soothing an infant in great pain and distress. I defied nurses and doctors and eliminated all dairy, eggs, beef, and soy from my diet so I could continue breastfeeding (and found out later the extreme harm that would have come to her if I had done as I was told). I spent hours researching, consulting, praying, and weeping as I looked for answers. I wept again when she was finally well. I made a conscious decision to prioritize playtime with my baby over cleaning the apartment or doing other chores so I wouldn't miss a moment of her growing up. I sang hymns to her as she fell asleep and whispered in her ear a dozen times a day that I loved her.

One year of being a mother, and I'm surprised to look back and realize that I'm good at it. Other people's children still terrify me, but when it comes to Abigail I know what she needs and I know how to take care of her. Thankfully, I don't have to be a mother to anyone except my own children, and it's a delight to discover that that is something I can do well.

All the Sweet Things Rolled Up in One

I'm falling behind again! Time to play catch-up.

A few weeks ago Abigail turned eleven months old. Wait, what?  My itty-bitty baby who was born yesterday is almost a year old? Impossible. You must be thinking of some other baby.

Alas, no, she really is almost a year old. And you can tell. In just the last few weeks she has lost a lot of her "baby" look. Every day she looks more and more like a little girl.

Check out the remains of her teething biscuit - not only on her bib and face, but also in her hair AND ears. I think she likes it!

It's funny how things go with a baby. We waited and waited for her to pull herself to standing; for weeks she would only go up to her knees. When she finally did it I thought for sure we would have to wait equally as long for her to start cruising (holding on to furniture while walking). I was wrong. She mastered that skill within a few hours. She zips around the apartment pretty confidently these days - as long as she has something to hold on to!

Other developmental milestones are piling up, too. For weeks I tempted her with enticing cubes of food, trying to encourage her to eat with her fingers. Next thing I knew, she was shoving the food in quicker than she could chew and swallow. Her hands-and-knees crawling is masterful, and she also occasionally crawls on hands and toes, with her bum up in the air. She says "mama" and "dada" a lot (and for a lot of things), and almost everything else is either "bob" or "nana". We're getting there.

Baby, where are you hiding?

Requesting some privacy while she eats

As per usual, she is full of personality, and she is hilarious. And she knows it. We have to be careful what we laugh at these days because sometimes we unintentionally encourage bad behavior. She gets this mischievous little gleam in her eye when she's about to do something naughty, and we have to put on our solemn faces.

Lately we've been trying to convince her that sometimes the easiest way to get somewhere is to go around obstacles. She doesn't believe us.

She is very clingy these days, especially with her Mama. I often cook entire meals with her arms wrapped around my legs. That only makes things take about two hours longer. She isn't upset or crying, she just doesn't think there should be an inch of space between us.

Some of Abby's favorite things at eleven months: Piano Guys (as always), kidney beans (weird, right? She LOVES them), peek-a-boo (any time is a good time!), FaceTime with her grandparents, being outside, stacking toys, pointing at things, wrestling with Ma and Pa, and trying to climb furniture (much to my horror!) She is long and lean and very active.

And, as always, she is perfect. Exhausting, but perfect. So grateful she's our daughter.

Eleven months old